1. Kid ‘N Play We love them. You couldn’t kill House Party 2 if you gave Bruce Willis a part in it.
2. Wilt Chamberlain He says he has slept with 20,000 women — that must make them feel special.
3. Dr. Death You mean it’s okay to kill women, as long as you don’t harass them?
4. Señora Debbie Reynolds She didn’t say all Hispanics are domestics. She just wanted to know if Javier Pérez de Cuéllar had any references.
5. Doonsebury merchandise Who cares? This strip is starting to make Nancy and Sluggo look hip.
6. Spike Lee’s dad Bill Lee arrested for heroin possession in Brooklyn. Guess we know where his son got the name Spike.
7. Montana retreats Malibu North. If you haven’t bought a ranch here yet, you can’t be much of a star.
8. Ted Kennedy’s apology He should stop using Red Blotch face cream. It looks as if he got a skin transplant from Tip O’Neill.
9. The New York City Marathon You can live in New York, or you can be healthy. You can’t do both.
10. Leonard Nimoy Mr. Spock visits The Next Generation. Data tries to talk him out of leaving all his money to a cat named Nubby.
11. The Hitman A movie buff is somebody who can tell one Chuck Norris movie from another.
12. William Kennedy Smith trial The second-greatest show on earth. Each news report should start with calliope music.
13. Shirley MacLaine Another book? Get a life. A different one.
14. Madrid Conference What luck! To find a place with a history of kicking out both the Jews and the Muslims.
15. Curly Sue Shelley Winters in Shirley Temple’s body. If this movie were a drink, it’d be a gin and Coke.