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Casting the Clarence Thomas hearings

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Okay, the hearings are over, but what about the inevitable movie? The casting of Advise & Consent: The Clarence Thomas Story won’t be easy. So many factors to consider-box office appeal, physical resemblance, salary demands, scheduling. Here’s how we figure it’ll go.

Joe Biden: You want Robert Redford. You’ll settle for Peter Boyle. You get Michael Moriarty.

Orrin Hatch: You want Anthony Hopkins. You’ll settle for Hal Holbrook. You get Craig T. Nelson.

Ted Kennedy: You want Jack Nicholson. You’ll settle for Bill Murray. You get Dan Aykroyd.

Arlen Specter: You want Richard Dreyfuss. You’ll settle for Ron Silver. You get Judd Hirsch.

Clarence Thomas: You want Danny Glover. You’ll settle for Larry Fishburne. You get Billy Dee Williams.

Anita Hill: You want Whoopi Goldberg. You’ll settle for Alfre Woodard. You get Phylicia Rashad.

Virginia Thomas: You want Christine Lahti. You’ll settle for JoBeth Williams. You get Linda Gray.

Strom Thurmond: You want Dustin Hoffman (in his Little Big Man makeup). You’ll settle for George Burns. You get Jim Varney (in Hoffman’s makeup).

John Danforth: You want Sam Waterston. You’ll settle for Daniel J. Travanti. You get Andy Griffith.

Patrick Leahy: You want Gene Hackman. You’ll settle for Leslie Nielsen. You get Gavin MacLeod.

Howell Heflin: You want John Candy. You’ll settle for Jay Leno. You get John Candy.

You want major motion picture. You’ll settle for a network miniseries. You get a USA Premiere Movie.