1. Norman Mailer’s Harlot’s Ghost
Anybody who can afford $30 for a novel is too busy working to read it.
2. Liz Taylor Nuptials
They’re from two different worlds Every time Liz mentioned the reception, Larry adjusted the TV set.
3. Kim Alley
Dumped by Trump. The bad news is that we still owe the Alley Cat 13 minutes of fame.
4. Biosphere 2
Five dollars says they’ll be caught sneaking out for pizza within a month.
5. Save Walden Pond
I break for dead white authors.
6. La Toay in Playboy
Snooze. The only magazine it’d be a surprise to see her in is Billboard.
7. ”Oh, Motherfather
From Redd Foxx’s weekly class on creative prime-time swearing, a.k.a. The Royal Family.
8. Quantum Leap‘s ”Gay” Episode
It’s okay for Scott Bakula to wear a dress and have a baby, but it’s not okay for him to be gay. Do I make myself perfectly clear?
9. Mercedes Ruehl
Married to the Mob, Big, and now The Fisher King. She has more skill picking scripts than any producer.
10. Tom Laughlin
Billy Jack’s thinking about running for President. Who’d vote for an old, has-been movie actor?
11. Roseanne’s Parents
Don’t worry — it’s just a phase all kids go through. The Terrible Thirties.
12. River Phoenix & Keanu Reeves
It’s payback time for the ’60s, but it could have been worse. They could have been named Earth Shoe and Shankar.
13. Hulk Hogan
A human cartoon. And so original. Suburban Commando was originally called Terminator Cop .02.
14. Garth Brooks
He still picks cotton — at the Neiman Marcus shirt department.
15. Nuclear Arms Reductions
There should be a rule that any country without indoor toilets can’t have these weapons.