1. The Saga of Donald and Marla
Most couples fight about money or sex. It’s a wonder these two didn’t kill each other.
2. Lily Tomlin
Six years to turn The Search for Signs…into a movie? All the wrong people have clout.
3. Roseanne’s Sexual Abuse as a Child
What’s Tom’s excuse? Dropped on his head? Left behind during the move? Diaper on backwards?
4. Sammy Davis Jr.’s Bankruptcy
Something’s not kosher here. Who’s executing the estate, Willie Nelson?
5. Iraq Again
If it weren’t for Saddam, Regis Philbin could regain his crown as the most annoying person in the world.
6. Jere Burns
Kirk in Dear John. The world’s most unredeemable chauvinist pig. That show’s over the day he’s cured.
7. SBK’s Charles Koppelman
The man responsible for Vanilla Ice. Why is he running around free to strike again?
8. New John Lennon Book
Police record and bad references got you down? Don’t worry, you can make big bucks as a pop biographer.
9. Blond Jokes
Every ethnic joke ever told with a dye job. ”Look at the dead bird.” The blond looks up and says, ”Where?”
10. The Pennant Races
And you can watch them from the comfort of your living room. Just like the team you bet on.
11. Campaign ’92
It seems the worst dirt the Democrats can find on the Republicans is their middle names.
12. Weight Lifting
The MTV version of a voice coach. It’s Freedom Williams’ washboard abdomen, not the song, that counts.
13. Brooklyn Bridge
The Waltons, but they moved and are Jewish. Allen Boy, go tell Jacob Boy that supper’s ready.
14. Jay Leno’s Crutches
What will Letterman have to do to top this? Show up in a body cast?
15. The Dead Sea Scrolls
There’s only one big surprise: Bob, the 13th apostle.