1. The Big One
They must have told Kirstie not to thank all the little people.
2. The Communist Party
Warehouse art sale! Last chance! Lenin figurines,Trotsky commemorative plates, and hammers & sickles on black velvet at bargain-basement prices!
3. Labor Day
Back to school — Cab-driving 101 and Hold the Pickles 202.
A cable channel devoted to half-hour commercials. Finally someone will lose money underestimating the intelligence of the American public.
5. Kenneth Branagh
With Dead Again, he might have the hit he didn’t get with Henry V. A better script, no doubt.
6. John Tesh
Another TV show every day? John, what happened? Did Dick Clark bite you?
He’s pushing that Diamonds and Pearls album like a commoner. Give it a rest. Go play polo.
8. The U.S. Open
No. 1 seed. Thirty-love. Fault. Tennis only sport speak pidgin.
9. Hedy Lamarr
The poor dear. Is it time for her close-up, Mr. DeMille?
10. Bree Walker
Getting flak about her pregnancy from talk-radio listeners. As if they’re at the deep end of the gene pool.
11. The Pope Must Die!
They all do.
12. Burt Reynolds
Age certainly hasn’t slowed him down. Or improved his acting.
13. Don Johnson and Mickey Rourke
Rename Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man as Butterball, and release it around Thanksgiving.
14. Judy Davis
Barton Fink’s girlfriend. Second prize, Eraserhead.
15. La Toya Jackson
The living hell of being too rich and beautiful, part two. The snake must be the brains of that outfit.