1. A Current Affair
Don’t invite Steve Dunleavy and Michele Cassone to the same dinner party unless you like well-tossed salad.
2. The May Sweeps
Run for your life, it’s TV’s rutting season, when Oprah, Phil, Geraldo, Sally, and Joan compete for guests in heat.
3. Cable Pirates
You stole HBO? Blackbeard would be impressed.
4. Senator Alfonse D’Amato
One day everyone will be famous for 60 Minutes.
5. Troubled Child Stars
Eight to Ten Is Enough, Diff’rent Cells, The Partridge Gang. I blame it on their environment.
6. Dangerous Breast Implants
The D in D-cup stands for Don’t Do It. Besides, all intelligent, sensitive, and caring guys are leg men.
7. Air Sununu
Perhaps the first plane wreck caused by passenger error.
8. Mary McFadden’s Marriage
This breakup shocked absolutely no one. Now if her hair ever moved
9. Vulgar Neckties
Loud, flowery things that scream, ”What recession?!” Buy a new suit, and people might believe you.
10. Rupert Murdoch’s Magazine Sale
He’s the antidote for people who think all Aussies are like Paul Hogan.
11. Truth or Dare
Madonna’s in charge here. If you compare her to Marilyn Monroe after this, it’ll just show your age.
12. Senator Charles Robb
Miss Virginia gave you a massage? Right up there with ”A dog ate my homework.”
13. Killer Bees
They’ve finally arrived in Texas. Call me if they kill 1 percent of the people that guns do. I bet I never hear from you.
14. Steven Seagal’s Hit Movie
Rambo meets est.
15. Ali MacGraw
Where’s she been? The recovered-movie-star bandwagon left years ago.