1 Nancy Reagan by Kitty Kelly
Mother Teresa she’s not. Of course, if she were,nobody’d be reading this.
2 Kitty on Sinatra
He’s the original sex pistol, but I’d believe Sid and Nancy before Frank and Nancy.
3 Televised Exorcisms
I missed it. Were they able to chase Pat Buchanan out of the body?
4 The Kennedy Scandal
You can just see the made-for-TV movie: Bob & Carol & Ted Kennedy & Alice. De Niro’s gonna gain 150 pounds to play Ted.
5 H&R Block
How many people will spend their refunds on something silly and stupid? Why not let the government do it for you?
6 Fire Marshall Bill
Small, impressionable children shouldn’t be watching him burn himself up on In Living Color Sunday nights. They should be in bed.
7 The Cavewoman Rescue
Thank God she was wearing her Lifecall pager.
8 Mickey Rooney’s Memoir
Mickey may be the one person on the planet whom I would like to know less about.
9 Million-Dollar Flea Market Finds
And how many of us have paid a million bucks for a Declaration of Independence only to discover it was worth $4?
10 Home Exercise Machines
What do you call a recluse with great body? A NordicTrack potato.
11 Northern Exposure
A funny show in a good time slot. What a concept! TV execs must not have been involved.
12 ”Mrs.” David Letterman
If you have to say someone is ”no threat,” then she is.
Given enough time, the Today show was bound to get something right.
Football for all those people who complain sports have gotten too serious.
15 Riverboat Gambling
They won’t let you lose over $200 a day at the tables. Muggers can still take as much as they want.