1 The Angst of Donnie Wahlberg
Donnie, two words — Peter Tork.
2 Billy Crystal
The best thing about the Oscars. His nominated-songs routine was cherce.
3 Schwarzkopf Wins Ratings War
He’s so successful on TV he should get his own show: Beat the Press.
4 Danny Bonaduce
Danny, two words — Rusty Hamer.
5 Health Food for Dogs
Get a life, already. If nature’s so good for our pets, why do we keep them indoors?
6 Victoria’s Secret
Lingerie sales are way up. Returning troops enjoy untying those ribbons — especially when they’re on a yellow teddy.
7 Field of Scams
Paying good money to visit a baseball diamond in an Iowa cornfield? P.T. Barnum says, ”Congrats.”
8 Opening Day
Some stadiums have ”alcohol-free” sections. Now we need ”swearing-free” sections, ”stay-in-the-seat-you-paid-for” sections, ”fat- men-must-keep-their-shirts-on” sections.
9 The Masters Tournament
Golf — white people’s basketball. Why do you think they call it ”The Masters”?
10 Boxed Sets Revisited
Can’t sell records anymore? Just release a ”collectors set” like James Brown, Elton John, Bob Dylan, and the Byrds.
11 Breast-Feeding, Controversy
What has Deborah Norville started? Actually, it’s the diaper-changing in public that gets me. What does that kid eat? Toxic waste?
12 Earth Day
So what was yesterday — Venus Day?
13 The Invasion of Potpurri
Make your house smell ”country fresh”? I’ve been to the country. It smells like cow manure and road kill.
Quality. Convenience. Technology. Semi-naked women in the Bikini Open Five. No wonder it’s so expensive.
15 Jonathan Winters
He has his moments. Too bad they’re in Davis Rules.