1 The Oscars Telecast
Tasteful (except for Madonna’s butt-wiggling), low-key (except for Lakota translation), and fair (except to Martin Scorsese).
2 Michael Jackson-san
Has Sony ever heard of ”haggling”? For $108 million they could have given every American family a Betamax.
3 Hey, Mr. Bo Jackson
Bo knows pain, but don’t worry about the endorsement money. If Nike doesn’t want him, Bufferin will.
4 Simpsons Illustrated
All the fun of reading without the intellectual stigma.
5 LAPD Police Cheif Daryl Gates
Fifteen-to-one he won’t stay in office. Where have I heard those numbers before?
6 Well-Known Gossip Queen Goes National?
We love Liz Smith with a very special love, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
7 L.A. Law Shafts Rosalind
Leland, wake up! You’re having a bad dream!
8 Kobe Beef
Spending $100 on a Japanese steak is like going first-class on Greyhound.
9 Defending Your Life
Ever watch someone belly flop off the high board to impress a girl? It was Albert Brooks.
10 Homemade Erotic Videos
Best-selling porno cassettes of the coupling next door.
11 Those Wacky Trumps
Thank God for the $300,000 child support. I was afraid those kids wouldn’t have a normal childhood.
12 Wrestlemania VII
Special Olympics for the gullible. I think it’s real, don’t you?
13 Delta Bita Pot
Kick me for missing Pledge Week at party school U.Va.
14 American Gradnstand
On Fox’s Yearbook, pregnancy is a talent. At least Dick Clark’s teens knew how to dance.
15 Honus Wagner Baseball Card
Wayne Gretsky’s gonna have a heart attack if someone finds one up in the attic.