1 THE OSCARS TELECAST
More people will remember what you wore than what you won.
2 TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES II
This kind of slang, bad manners, and violence does not belong in movie theaters. It belongs on videotape, so we don’t have to watch it with our children.
3 THE 60 MINUTES VACANCY
Mary Beth Whitehead might be available.
4 SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE‘S COMEBACK
If it’s broken, fix it.
5 THE TV GUIDE COLLECTION
Walter Annenberg’s billion-dollar gift to the Metropolitan Museum of Art is a major coup. He was going to leave it to a cat named Winkie.
6 NCAA FINAL FOUR
Who cares about your SATs if you can score 20 points against UNLV?
7 LOW-FAT McDONALDS
A stunning victory for the Food Police. If we could only get children to turn in their parents for serving Cool Whip at home.
8 GÉRARD DEPARDIEU FLAP
How do you say ”creepy, ugly thug” in French?
What next? Get Well Soon letter bombs?
10 ROBERT MAXWELL
Taking a job away from a rich, pompous, autocratic American.
Time once again for the Charlton Heston TV film festival.
12 EMIR OF KUWAIT
A royal twit. He makes Fergie look like a rocket scientist.
13 MISS SAIGON
Madame Butterfly on steroids.
14 YOU’LL NEVER EAT LUNCH IN THIS TOWN AGAIN
All about the living hell of being too rich and too thin in Hollywood.
15 SWITCHING POLITICAL PARTIES
Gov. Buddy Roemer, a man with the guts to change his convictions.