1 THE GROUND WAR
Sending Saddam the world’s most expensive telegram.
2 BOB DYLAN’S DICTION LESSONS
Like he said at the Grammys, ”Mthkn, mhhghghtk ufohgmm emldklglillg. Rhmdelglldohg. Hnuh-eh.”
3 LOOPY WAR NEWS
Saddam, we find out after all these months, is a Taurus. You can’t get that kind of news from a pool reporter.
4 ED SULLIVAN’S COMEBACK
Ed Sullivan dead is 10 times better than Bob Saget alive.
This year’s pricey new pasta. A penne served is several dollars earned.
He’s starting to show New Age.
7 TV ANCHORS AWAY
The news won’t change just because Tom Brokaw’s in Arabia. They should just stay home and let the reporters do their job.
8 NEW CAR SALES
Selling like hotcakes. Liver-filled, mold-covered, vile- smelling hotcakes.
9 THE DOORS
Woodschlock. The ’60s through rose-colored granny glasses.
10 SPRING TRAINING
Nothing like the spectacle of lawyers and agents loosening up their muscles this time each year. Some players are showing up, too.
11 JOHN GOODMAN
Jackie Gleason hoped to come back as a higher form of life, but this was the only body they could find.
12 VANESSA REDGRAVE
There should be an award for politically active actors — the John Wilkes Booth Award, affectionately known as ”The Boot.”
13 NANCY REAGAN
Kitty Kelley’s brutal tell-all. So what was Nancy supposed to do? Resign as First Lady?
14 REALITY TV
Top Cops, Unsolved Mysteries, Rescue 911, and America’s Most Wanted… and whoever stole my TV probably enjoys watching them.
15 SINÉAD O’CONNOR
We finally found out what she does with her hair. She makes really painful hair shirts with it.