1 Oscar Nominations
Dances With Wolves should be Happy With Self. Head on Straight, too.
2 Gerard Depardieu
3 Killing Gary Off
The thirtysomething surprise. But to keep the ratings up, more people will surely have to die.
4 Grammy Awards
Oh, what the hell — hurt ’em, Hammer.
5 Sweeps Month
A sample of the topics for one day on the February talk shows: penile implants, the gay affairs of married couples, and homemade erotic videos.
6 Gorby’s Domestic Problems
Ah, to be President of the USSR. Life in the fast lane.
Ziploc’s celebrity spokesdigit. Don’t be surprised if he gets his own series.
8 Vanilla Ice
Dis Ice? No Dice. There’s no easy way to get a No. 1 record.
9 Arizona Politicians
Buy two — one for now, one for later. They make wonderful birthday presents and perfect stocking stuffers.
Uncanny. He is 100 percent accurate at predicting events after they happen.
11 Girl Scout Cookies
That time again. It teaches an important lesson about life — that the boss’ daughter always sells a lot of cookies.
12 Anthony Hopkins
Supremely scary in The Silence of the Lambs. Wear an adult diaper when you see it.
13 Senator Simpson
Not named after the TV show, no matter what people say. He was dense long before Homer came along.
14 Spring Break
Acting Stupid 101. And you’d be surprised how many kids flunk.
15 Lower Interest Rates
Money talks. Mine says, ”Kiss off.”