1 Dan Rathercide
Lighten up, Dan. Stop acting like reading the news is brain surgery.
2 The Katzenberg Memo
What a shocker. It’s not good business, he says, to spend $50 million to make $5 million. You don’t get to be the head of Disney by being stupid.
3 Wolf Blitzer
His parents, Coyote and Prairie Dog, are so proud of him.
4 King Hussein
Scary to think he’s the brains of the bunch. No wonder they don’t let royalty run things in most countries.
5 Sinéad O’Connor
So what ‘s the Irish national anthem? ”Living in America”?
6 The California Water Shortage
They’re learning to farm with Evian.
7 Hermit Crab Jewelry
The first silly fad of 1991. Teens wear them around their necks. In their shells. Alive.
8 The Baseball Hall of Morals
You don’t have to go to Cooperstown for that — any empty building will do.
9 The Iraqi Air Force
Where’d they get these guys? From Frank Perdue?
10 The L.A. International Airport
Statistically, air travel is safer than driving. But when you drive, you’re always sitting by an exit.
11 ”From a Distance”
If you’re not sick of it yet, wait a month. Cabaret singers can’t wait to put this in their ”New York, New York”/”Send in the Clowns”/”The Way We Were” medleys.
12 Anything but Love
Anything but sex. I want to see these two in bed like I want my hand crushed in a car door. Is it possible to be kvetched to death?
13 Terrorist-Free Vacations
”But, kids, we don’t have to get in a nasty old plane. Camping in our own state can be loads of fun.”
14 Carson’s Contract Rumors
Where will they ever find a substitute for Jay Leno who’s as good as Johnny?
15 Bush’s Energy Plan
It sounds exactly like the oil companies’ energy plan.