We gave it a D
High-concept bang-bang movies such as Tango & Cash resemble cotton candy: You neither expect nor want substance. If you’re lucky, the script won’t insult your intelligence, the stars will seem to be having fun, and the pace will be fast. You won’t have time to worry about getting cavities.
Unfortunately, most of this movie’s creativity was used up in getting Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell on the same marquee. Randy Feldman’s witless script pairs the stars as mismatched Mutt and Jeff supercops — ”downtown clown versus Beverly Hills Wop,” as one character puts it — who are forced together when the drug lords of L.A. have them sent to prison on trumped-up charges. While this sounds as if it could be dumb fun, Feldman gives the stars almost nothing interesting to say or do. Stallone’s first big line to a villain who has crashed through a window is ”Glad you could drop in.” It’s downhill from there.
The movie is too lazy even to make sense. In one scene, the head villain (Jack Palance) appears in a maximum-security prison, delivers hokey threats to the heroes, and leaves — and not one of the guards notices! It’s obvious the filmmakers think their audience is too stupid to care.
As for the male bonding on display, it doesn’t take an armchair Freudian to guffaw at the subtext. Any movie that gives the stars a hubba-hubba shower scene, puts Kurt Russell in drag, and features such lines as ”If you want me, me and my ass will be in the neighborhood” has something going on.
Junk-food movies take your money, but theegood ones also give you the pleasure of a sugar rush. Tango & Cash just takes your money. D