Americans have spent a lot of money buying books and exercise equipment guaranteed to pump them up like Arnold. But an increasingly popular — and much easier — avocation is parroting Schwarzenegger’s famous movie lines in an accent as broad as the Austrian Oak’s shoulders. So, for all would-be Hanses and Franzes, here are five easy steps to sounding like the world’s most popular action-movie star.
STEP ONE: Muscle up v’s and f’s until they sound like double f’s, as in this memorable assertion from Predator: ”Diss ting iss hunting us all uff us.” Or, from Twins: ”In case uffa fy-a, I could haff giffen de alaam, ant safed all de odda offans.”
STEP TWO: Double all s’s: Is becomes iss. He’s rhymes with Meese. Ears rhymes with fierce. Deyah’s lots of ecksemples.
STEP THREE: Change all th’s and double t’s to d’s. As in: ”Sit offuh deyah.” ”Dat’s right.” Or, uttered in every Arnold movie, ”Wadzemadda?”
STEP FOUR: Let no ur word escape umlautization. ”He’s been murdered!” becomes, ”Heese been myurdered!” A driven man is properly called ”a wyurgaholic.” And any act of violence should be preceded with ”I don’t want to hyurt you.”
STEP FIVE: Harden all soft g’s and j’s to ch, as in: ”He iss probably chust like me.” ”I studied Biolochee.” ”I wass wyurking out at de chymnasium.”
To become really good at aping Arnold, you’ve got to practice. Try 10 reps of this tantalizing tongue-twister from Twins: ”It’s chuss I haff neffer hyurd diss kynuff myussic befowah.” And don’t ever forget the Arnold ideal: A strong mind in a strong body-with a strong accent.