We thought it would be like Christmas: an enormous bag brimming with thousands of sparkling 3 x 5 treats. We couldn’t wait for our first mail delivery. Well, the cards (and letters) arrived, but it wasn’t quite the holiday we’d expected; it was more like Halloween.
After we got over our initial fright, we began enjoying our mail for what it was: voluminous. And yes, some of it was scary (see Andy Rooney, below), and some of it was stoopid, and some of it was actually suitable for reading out loud to the nice people in the office.
Now that we’ve caught our breath and read and counted all our mail, it occurred to us that you might be wondering about the fate of the postcards you so faithfully filled in and sent off to us. An update:
We asked who should play Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis in an upcoming NBC movie. Most of the 478 responses suggested the obvious big names, but sizable contingents backed dark horses Leona Helmsley and Roseanne Barr. A dozen others improbably nominated themselves, submitting resumes and head shots. The write-in winner was a Buffalo, N.Y., cross-dresser (16 votes).
On The Bradys card we asked you to match a Brady with a trauma. Too many of you — 574 — did just that. IT WAS A JOKE!
Readers sent Andy Rooney 1,036 ideas for an unscheduled vacation. The most reprintable came with a recipe for peanut-butter cookies and the notion that Mr. Rooney bake a batch to deliver to hospitals.
Save CBS! inspired an amazing 1,621 backseat TV programmers. Many of them wanted to revive old, old favorites, particularly Ed Sullivan-type variety shows. Others wanted to resurrect dead-but-still-warm shows: Beauty and the Beast, Doctor, Doctor, and Frank’s Place. In the great-minds-all-on-the-same-channel category, six people thought their own pets were worthy of comedy series; a dozen folks wrote to back an all-nude network, and exactly 55 desired an over-55 channel. A suspicious 107 said that if we wanted their ideas we would have to pay them first. We can’t afford to and, probably, neither can CBS. The following are some ideas given free of charge:
Model Citizen. Cindy Crawford stars as a fashion model and part-time crusading congresswoman.
— Ken Rhodes
Des Moines, Iowa
Spin-off from Designing Women called ”Noel” — the adventures of Suzanne Sugarbaker’s runaway pig in the wilds of Atlanta.
— Ralph Burkey
Fort Worth, Tex.
A show about the gang of terrorists that roamed the Ozark Mountains in the 1800s, called The Baldknobbers. Their history, to say the least, was very colorful. Could use James Arness, Fess Parker, or Johnny Cash perhaps.
— Jeffery A. Baker
Another 158 respondents begged ”Take My Life, Please,” and sent in ideas that we suspect were discovered very, very close to home:
Twin 4-year-old boys create havoc 24 hours a day. Five-year-old sister adds spice. Overworked, underpaid academic father and off-the-wall mother officiate this madness. Call it The Becques.
— Fran Becque
The Funny Farm. Stories about a part-time psychiatric OTR who works in a county mental hospital three days a week and raises hogs four days a week. A modern-day tragicomedy.
— Steve Pritchard
Public Storage. Each week shows the life of the owner of the contents of a different storage unit.
— Grace Gammill
I.R.S. horror stories…real-life tax cases…people who have overpaid and underpaid and who have not paid and who will pay.
— Tom Malone